August 25th, 2021

Yesterday I woke up and got myself ready for therapy. It started out how it always does. You’re in groups with such small breaks. So many emotions come out throughout each day and yes it may be draining at some points, but it is it worth it. Getting those feelings out, saying them out loud, by talking about different topics with others who have their own struggles too… It helps me for some reason when I listen to others talk in our group because I see other sides of mental health, different situations, similar situations, how others have coped, and we’ve come to a great place by now.. we confide in each other and we try and help each other the best we can… I don’t know, I just have felt like all of my thoughts started to become more clear after some time. I’m finding that I have definitely been processing these thoughts I’ve hidden deep down for so many years and I have found myself moving from a place of anger to a place of forgiveness.  I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to keep saying sorry. The past is all I have and I will damn right say goodbye to it. It has held onto me for way too long. And that is what I’ve been working on the past weeks. I held anger inside for reasoning I won’t say. But like I already said, that anger has turned into something else. I have some negative moments but for the most part, that anger has faded. I now want to find peace with all of my surroundings. I want to move on. I believe to be truly happy, I have to face all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. And after facing what I’ve avoided for so long, a weight came off. I feel fucking fantastic and free. I feel understood. Now, as I said above, yesterday I did wake up well. Today, I woke up better. I can’t describe how good it feels to say that. And I just want to continue feeling better and better. I plan to continue to educate myself on my conditions and to really be present and focus. This is not going to go away. I will struggle for the rest of my life. But with teaching myself and learning to be more aware of what is going on in the moment, soon before I have an episode, or the rabbit hole I’m about to fall down and you never know how many days I’ll come back or even shower for that matter… that is when coping skills will come in. I used to think they didn’t even work. Not until I really started to figure out where and when I needed them. I am working hard to learn and pick which coping skills they have out there… which will work for me and in what situations. These skills have a potential of slowing or even stopping episodes. Focusing and paying really close attention to the days, moments before a breakdown so that it stops before it even starts. That is my goal. Once I enter into the mindset of anger and anxiety, that’s it. I go black and I fight. I fight verbally mean and dirty. I just wish I could remember them. I don’t even know I’m in it until I’m out. That is why it means so much for me to find a pattern and/or a way to cope and to pull back instead of diving right in.  I want to strengthen myself to have the capability to shift my mind, occupy it, whatever works to help me get through the bad times and make my life and more importantly my family’s life less stressful. They are concerned often. Can’t blame them. Their daughter tried to end her life. I don’t want them worrying about me and scared that I may attempt again. A few of my close loved ones have been there for me before and after I woke up in the hospital. They all worked together to make sure someone always came to visit me and I didn’t feel alone. I truly am lucky. A special shout out to my boyfriend Chris, who has been extremely loyal, loving, and patient… The past years I took medicine which by itself can’t fix your problems, and struggled still but I just kept going. I felt empty and out of control but I didn’t take the right steps to improve on anything in my life. He has always had faith in me, he has every day since we met. Without his support….I don’t even know where I would be. But that’s enough about him. He’ll get his own post. I skipped around the paragraph above. I literally can have 5 different conversations in one. It’s not the best quality. But anyway, In conclusion, it can get better. It will get better. You’re hearing that from a person that never thought I would ever succeed or be capable of doing anything in life. I thought I was going to be depressed forever. Adjusting how you spend your time, learning and understanding what you go through, accepting what you go through, allowing yourself to lean on your support system if needed, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, we have to do everything we can. Medicine can only do so much. But that won’t make you happy. It is just a crutch. You need to take care of yourself. I need to take care of myself, which will be new for me too. I never cared to take care of myself. I didn’t think I could do it anymore, seriously. But I learned that I can. Watch the company you keep. Be sure you are surrounded by kind and caring friends and family. If you don’t feel you have any support, call me. (201)742-2167. Text. Whatever. Just please reach out if you need someone to talk to. 

I may be years late, but I finally feel like my life is going to move forward. I smile just thinking about it. I want to say I wish I learned this years ago, but I can’t think that way. I am where I am today and I’m stronger because of what came my way. I am so curious to see how group is for the next few months because the clinicians already have been a tremendous help.

And again to my man, I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me. On us. I am still trying to wrap my head around how you are still by my side and how much stress I’ve caused you. I owe you so much. I am going to work hard babe, for me and for you.. because you deserve it. And nobody has ever believed in me as much as you do. And I wouldn’t have anyone else by my side.

xoxo

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