Having a falling out with somebody you love is hard to process. As someone who has went through actually more than one situation with a loved one, I completely understand now how challenging it is to put back together. And sometimes, it doesn’t get fixed. It just doesn’t work out the way you wished.
Between the past 2-4 years, I have struggled understanding the actions of others more than ever. In the past, I haven’t exactly made the best decisions and my life has been in such a negative direction. I self medicated throughout my entire 20’s and have dealt with some addiction myself. Money I worked for always went to drinking and drugs, impulsive spending and shopping, and not a dime in my bank account to show for any of the hard work I put in. I mean, I was a mess. I don’t know how else to describe it. And I never thought I would be where I am today. I didn’t know how much my mental health has interfered and affected affects my life. Sounds dramatic, no? It does. But it is true. I was going through so much and my low self esteem and hopes for the future were extremely low. I did my best to numb myself every day and always put on a front because again as I said in another post, I needed validation from outside sources and never even thought of the simple question, how can I choose myself? How can any validation of who I am come from within? What can I do now though? Those years are gone now and I have spent way too much time and stress on going over and over every bad move I’ve made throughout my years. I have been entirely unfair and too hard on myself. I missed so much because I followed the party, party friends, music, and party favors. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had so many great times with great company and danced until I dropped (when I wasn’t stuck in a corner). It was definitely noticeable to some that I was in a downward spiral slowly but surely, but it was never brought up. I really wish it was. I wish I could have noticed and told myself to get up and get my shit together.
The reason I am bringing this up is because when I got myself to move in a better direction, I felt so much guilt and sadness. I felt I didn’t deserve anything good because of how horrible I acted and the lack of accomplishments I had. VIP was probably my biggest accomplishment. Sad, I know. It’s like I flowed through this wild pattern of life and just snapped out of it. And when I did, it took time but I did realize I had much more of a serious condition than a past hard partier. And it is hard to believe still that I live with bipolar disorder. I can look back and understand better why I blacked out without any alcohol in me and fully raged with anger, and it usually was on the people who mean the most to me.
I make excuses for others for different reasons whether it be lack of support and/or betrayal. I’m not proud of all of my decisions but I can truly say I’ve learned. I learned the hard way. I have been unfair to myself and to others. My most negative times I will say though have been from hypomania or mania (and these are not euphoric moments). This is no excuse, but I have been working hard to learn it and try to stop it before I ring that fucking alarm and go off. And I’m doing quite well by the way, finally. Don’t jinx me.
One thing I have learned though is that we all have to sometimes put our pride in our pocket and be there for those we care about, even if we may be disappointed or upset with them.. Even if we don’t agree.. A fair example would be 2019. November 2019. After an unfortunate suicide attempt, I woke up in the ICU with my mother and father looking at me with facial expressions I could never forget for the rest of my life. They were terrified. But I wasn’t. I was angry and upset that I woke up. I’ve never needed help from my friends and family more than ever than during that time. My sister and my boyfriend were both in ICU through the 2.5 days I was out before I woke up. I am really lucky to have them. My boyfriend could literally have his own post because he really is that great and he believes in me more than anybody. I’ve taken that for granted so many times because of my sadness, my grief, my anger, all of my emotions. He is always my punching bag. But I’m working to get past that in my life and I don’t want to jinx myself (again), but it seems like my mania and anger states have dulled and I communicate more which has helped me feel lighter and him even more understanding of who I am. Instead of sitting in my anger and sadness, instead of letting these episodes occur, we now talk about our goals in life together. I finally know who I should always confide in. I’ve confided in the WRONG people. I’ve been dropped like I was a piece of garbage. I honestly can’t believe my guy is still here after almost 5 years. He really is my biggest fan. But he may tie with another beautiful booty babe who wasn’t in that ICU but tracked every moment with my family until I woke up…. My best friend who I’ll keep unnamed spoke with my family daily and wanted to visit me in the hospital, but I didn’t want to distract her from her life so I told her it was fine to wait until I got home. I checked out of one hospital and I checked myself into another that felt much less scary than where I was before. I refused to be treated by their team. This hospital had phones that we were able to use from morning to night, aside from meals and group therapies. My boyfriend and my best friend were at their phones 24/7 and opened up to keeping me occupied and talking with me whenever I needed them. I was there during Thanksgiving so I was extra lonely missing a holiday and being in a hospital. My parents, my sister, my boyfriend, and my best friend came to visit during visiting hours throughout the week so I would always see a loving face. My girl literally came on Thanksgiving by surprise at during the later hours. She just drove to spend the holiday with her family and her husband and 4 year old daughter were in the car patiently waiting because her husband cared too, and they proved so much to me. Another I called just didn’t answer and I tried multiple times. That killed me the entire week because I again really needed my fucking people. Others I would reach out to but they would sound so happy and busy that I just didn’t want to admit I really needed them. And they really didn’t ask or care about what was going on my life. And that’s not okay but it is. You can’t force anyone to support you. But what I learned, some people aren’t my people.. And they should have known.
I got out of the hospital and I went home and still took time before going back to work. I didn’t want to tell many people so it was lonely home. This time just sucked, especially with my cousin/best friend passing of suicide a month before my attempt. It was so much in such a short time. I lost my way. But I’ll always remember those who were there and I will unfortunately always remember the negative words that came my way from the last person(s) I would ever expect. And today, I know I am a good person. I know I am not perfect in any way. I know I have potential and a better future ahead. And I know how hurt I was. And that I’m allowed to feel that way. I felt so much guilt too in the past years because I always thought it was my fault, but it wasn’t. Many people who don’t apologize may not want to, they may have too much pride to, or they may not think the apology will be accepted. But that’s OKAY. We’ve shared beautiful memories in the past and I just want to forgive and wish well. And that is what I am doing. I’m trying my best to not be disappointed in the people who mattered the most to me. People I would do anything for. I read an article that I’ll share below from TED.com. That is how I learned the perspective I always needed to get by easier. Like I tried to mention above, the article states the following which makes so much sense to me:
“To be clear, even the most conscientious among us occasionally fails to apologize. When this happens, it’s usually for one of two reasons: (1) We don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take on the emotional discomfort of owning our mistake and apologizing for it; or (2) We believe our apology won’t matter.”
I mean, what a a great point! It helps so much when you finally understand something you couldn’t wrap your head around for years. Another statement that stuck out to me is the following:
“People who can’t apologize appear to be tough individuals who refuse to back down. But they don’t do this because they’re strong — it’s because they’re weak.”
This definitely can be true. I know because I’ve been there. Remember, we don’t always need closure from another person because not everyone is willing. Sometimes we need to fill that void with closure on our own. It is really hard to do, especially when you really love somebody, but it is what we have to do to continue and not keep that dull ache inside every day. And today, I really just want the best for others, even if we have not always been on the same page. Somebody can be really stubborn and not forgive but may actually be vulnerable underneath. So remember to show empathy too (I also learned that from the article I read on TED.com).
You can have the best of friends for years, but it always is really important to show up when that person really really needs you. I just tried to kill myself and I couldn’t talk to mostly anybody that I’ve been close with for the past years. I felt guilty for feeling lonely but I fucking did. I was so empty and I felt like I was all by myself sometimes. But I am so grateful for the ones who did show up for me during a brutal time and not a time to party. Living with mental disorders, we tend to feel guilt and very low. We also experience paranoia that can be so tricky with trying to see who really does value you, and who doesn’t. But we all find out at one time or another.
And if you are reading this and have felt the same, or if you just need somebody, I am here and more than happy to talk to you. xoxo for now..