An Assessment is an hour+ process you and a clinician go through together which pretty much is a conversation about everything in your life. Your family, your loved ones, your hobbies, your mental health challenges, medications, triggers, your past and current trauma, you talk about it all. Talking about trauma has always been really hard for me. I put myself down constantly. I blame myself for a lot in my past and it has always made me blame myself for e v e r y t h i n g. Don’t get me wrong, I have not done everything right in any sort. However, I have not done everything wrong. I am not playing victim here. I am just telling you truthfully that I put so much weight on my shoulders with blame and guilt throughout the past years and it has sucked. It is such a common habit to do and it doesn’t help anything. I have gotten more confidant in talking about subjects I have always disliked to talk about.. anything that makes me feel really uncomfortable.. anything that I have blocked out of my brain at my best for the past 10+ years. I spoke through these assessments and the more I talked about it, the more I’ve always learned. And of course, I am always speaking to a professional/loved one. If I felt an off vibe though, I stay more quiet. I trust my gut more than you.

I now understand more of what I have been through and what it really has meant since and how I need to cope to come to peace with this bottle of self doubt and damage. Sometimes talking through your thoughts and fears can turn out better than before you spoke. YOU NEED TO LET IT OUT. This is a prime example of how I can’t express enough that talking about what is in your head and what may be bothering you can really help you. I will say, until the time I entered Morristown Hospital in 2019, I have not fully told anybody at all the demons that I have faced at night. I always found any possible factor in a situation that would make me at fault. But I wasn’t. I was just insecure and scared and I needed to say it out loud. I needed help. And it took many years and an incredible Doctor to help me realize it was not my fault.. a lot of what I went through ate at me for years and years and after a simple small conversation the Doctor and I had, my entire perspective was changed. These assessments really have helped me, along with therapy. I strongly suggest you spill out your guts to someone you trust. You will feel SO much lighter. I’ve been through many assessments and outtake forms that pull me apart for each and every part of my life that has occurred growing up.

Today I had an assessment with my new therapist. This assessment is for the group therapy I am going into. This will help her decide what level of care I need and the amount of hours I should spend in the program per week. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve done countless intake forms because of all of the different Doctors and hospital visits. I saw many psychiatrists because I already have trust issues with doctors. I wanted to see how they looked at me. Pretty much every single doctor diagnosed me exactly the same. No mixture of medications helped me until I saw my psychiatrist now. I told him (most) feelings and episodes I was going through at a time and he always knew what to tweak. He still does. 

These assessments, intake forms, whatever the hell you want to call them… they started about 5-6 years ago. I started by being very careful and only sharing basic information. I was scared. What happens if I tell a Doctor I have thoughts of leaving this earth or not being wanted here? I would for sure have thought I’d be tossed right into an involuntary psych ward. And you may, it really depends all on who it is you’re speaking with. You need trust and someone who truly cares. But I began to spill it out. I felt that anything I hold back could hurt me more. Some things I couldn’t even believe came out of my mouth. Saying everything out loud is challenging but can also feel like that bag of bricks just lost so many pounds. The more I spoke, the more I began to listen and understand my own mind. Who I am. How to heal. I had absolutely no idea that the thoughts latched inside my head were affecting me so much. 

I was very happy leaving my assessment today. An hour and a half of telling every single detail since I was young made me feel a release again and I for the first time in a long time was able to speak my truth with more certainty. I really connect with my therapist and I feel safe and comfortable around her. I also felt better about how I explained my thoughts..I felt stronger and I rambled less than usual. My thoughts are more structured and not as scattered. That itself is a victory for me right there. My therapist again also is cool as shit and I felt no discomfort at all being in the room with her. I always thought I wanted an older therapist, thinking they would understand me better. I proved myself wrong. My current therapist is younger…in her mid twenties I would say. Our vibe felt so effortless and happy and I am really looking forward to building a relationship. I think I am really going to value her perspectives. I will definitely let you know.

Written June 25th, 2021

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